WOULD AL PACINO EVER PUT UP WITH AN “ARGUER?”
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hey Doc,
Jade and I have been living together for four months now but tend to fight over the
slightest things. She’s very argumentative and never wants to “lose” in anything,
even board games! Over time, I’ve found myself giving into her every time we have a
confrontation just to avoid the inevitable explosions. Recently I realized that in doing
so I had subconsciously given her power over me and now I want to take it back.
In the past few weeks I’ve tried talking to her less and doing more of my own thing just
to show her that I’m not dependent on her. I’ve also started to engage more (not
physically, of course) in the arguments we have to show her I’m not afraid of her --
which I’m not! She seems to have mellowed a little, but I find (or it could just be me)
that we’re playing more mind games with each other now. Perhaps she found me to be a
Challenge, I don’t know.
Here’s an example of what I perceive as a mind game. Jade used to jokingly put me down
by saying things like “You’re skinny” or “You look horrible in sunglasses,” but
just yesterday I gave her a taste of her own medicine by calling her “lazy” for not
making the bed. She definitely didn’t like it and we had a fight over it. She asks for a
goodnight kiss every night, but last night, after the fight, I didn’t do it and she didn’t
ask for it either.
I’m not sure if I’m playing this the right way, and if I’m not, how do I go about it
and beat her at her own game (to get her to realize she needs to change)? I like Jade, but
I’m at the point where I wouldn’t mind ending the relationship if she suggested it
first.
On the other hand, I want things to work out between us, but am trying to get her to
respect me the way I used to respect her, stop taking me for granted and start showing me
her love instead of picking on me. And if it doesn’t work, we’d probably have to go
our own separate ways.
Thanks for any help you might be able to give me.
Norris - who doesn’t want to spend his life fighting
Hi Norris,
Straight out of the chute you said a mouthful. I can understand some women wanting to get
into arguments, but your little hellcat never wants to lose at anything, and that includes
the love game. And in her mind, if she’s going to be the winner, somebody’s got to be
the loser. Unfortunately, that’s you.
Jade – or any clinically sane woman -- should be thinking about the two of you as a
team, and you as a teammate, not somebody to compete with. Like my cousin Fast Eddie Love
says, “If you want to throw punches, get yourself over to Gleason’s Gym and put on the
gloves!” Gee, I can just feel the good vibes flying around your house, pal. It sounds
like a real love fest over there.
I wonder whose idea it was to move in together? Who asked whom to move in first? I’m
betting the house that you were on your knees begging this little hottie to cohabit with
you. Why? Because her Interest Level is flimsy. To you Psych majors, the higher her
Interest Level, the less she wants to argue. The only exception to this rule is the highly
structured woman.
Jade will always remember that you gave into her, dude. She’ll never forget that you
were born without a spine. Maybe instead of allowing her to take your cojones, you
CONSCIOUSLY gave her power over you because your Interest Level is 90% and hers is
significantly lower and you’re scared of losing her. This is what most lily-livered guys
do. Rather than take a stand, they think short-term and give in, like Chamberlain tried to
appease Hitler when the Fuhrer started gobbling up everything around him.
I don’t think Challenge is an issue here at all, my friend. Jeez – I’d love to turn
invisible and sit in the corner and watch the interaction between you two lovebirds. I’d
be able to tell you in two or three minutes exactly what’s going on. But as it is, I can
only go by your version of events. If I were to take Jade out and get a couple glasses of
wine into her, then I’d get her side of the story. Maybe she would say that you don’t
hang the towels at the right angle or you leave dishes in the sink or she has to ask you
10 times to take out the trash.
Nevertheless, by your own admission Jade seems to be putting you down with a smile. And
when you jump on her for being lazy, you’re not doing it with a smile. I hope you’re
not making accusations out of the blue just to get her goat. When you get on her case you’d
better have some basis in fact for doing it. And then do it gently. As my cousin Rabbi
Love says, “Remember, this is supposed to be love, not war.”
But one thing’s for sure -- if you’re calling Jade names for not making the bed and
she wants to scrap with you over it, you guys are done. Finissimo. Wow. You two aren’t
even married and you’re going at it like cats and dogs over something so trivial? Thank
God you don’t have any kids! Like my cousin Brother Love says, “If you’re battling
this much in the first four months of living in sin, it’s time to move out of Sin City!”
Instead of dreaming up new head games to play with Jade, you should be playing the Yellow
Pages game and booking a date for the Bekins moving company. You gave away your soul,
Norris. And once a woman has you, you can’t do a 180 and turn over a new leaf, and that’s
what you’re trying to do here. What you have to do instead is find yourself a new girl,
and next time learn to say NO.
The fact that you’re waiting for Jade to end this fiasco shows that you’re a coward.
Why don’t you suggest it, tough guy? Why not show her that you’re a real man?
As far as “respect” is concerned, what’s obvious to me is that this thing is totally
one-sided. You respect her, and not vice-versa. And you’re afraid of her, too, despite
your protests to the contrary. Once a woman loses respect for you, it’s over. From that
point on, all she’s going to do is practice beating on you like she was trying out to be
the drummer for the marching band.
You’re in a dream world, Norris. It’s not going to work between you and Jade. It isn’t
working and it hasn’t worked. You better wake up, but fast, before you get KO’d.
Remember, guys: if she doesn’t think you have a backbone, you will be the punching bag
in the relationship.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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