CAN SHE BE TRUSTED WHEN SHE'S LIVING IN ANOTHER COUNTRY?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hey Doc,
I started studying your ideas more than six months ago and it's helped me a lot. I met
Reva in June. We've been dating since then and I have always abided by most of your rules
and kept myself a Challenge. Things were going pretty well until two weeks ago.
Here's my problem. Reva recently got a hot new job that will require that she move to
Baltimore. Since we live in a Third World country, this is a bit of a problem. But the new
job is a very nice opportunity, and I agree that she can't let it pass because it's an
opportunity she'll never get in our country. I have to stay at my university until I
graduate in 2005, so I can't move with her. I feel so good about Reva that I was mentally
preparing myself to let her go by herself to America and try to keep the relationship
going by telephone while she decides to either move back here or I finish my studies and
move to be with her. In the meantime, I figured, we'd travel back and forth to see each
other.
Last weekend my girl revealed to me that there was someone else in Baltimore. She went out
with this guy when she was there for two weeks last summer. After a few talks about this
situation, Reva admitted to me that they were intimate once. All this happened before we
met, so it doesn't count, and I can't really make an issue of it.
But Doc, Reva tells me that this guy is the only person she knows in Baltimore and she
wants to spend time with him because he can show her around places she doesn't know, etc.,
and blah blah blah. (Like your principles taught me, this is Womanese for "she is
insecure.") I told her that I appreciated her sincerity, but that I don't want her
seeing the guy if she wants to stick with me. We argued, and later she told me that she
would do everything possible not to see him. On the other hand, it would be nearly
impossible not to see him since he works at the same place where she'll be employed. But I
maintain that it is entirely possible not to have to date him despite that fact.
The way I see it, there are three options for Reva:
1. Stay with me in our country.
2. Refuse that particular opportunity and look for another job in the United States.
3. (The one I like best.) Stay loyal to me, forget the other guy, and do as we planned
until I'm through with school.
What do you think I should do, Doc?
Anthony - who doesn't know whether he should let her go
Hi Anthony,
Things were going well with Reva until two weeks ago? I'm sorry to have to enlighten you,
but you've had a problem all along and just now noticed it. And you should have picked up
on it a lot sooner, especially if you read my articles. I've said it again and again: men
see things too late. Her Interest Level is going south faster than George W. Bush's
popularity, and you guys are oblivious!
Reva's planned move to the United States is not just a bit of a problem, guy - it's a
massive problem. As my cousin, Sal "The Fish" Love, would say, "If you saw
the Grand Canyon, you'd probably call it a gopher hole!" It goes back to the notion
that women don't lie, and men don't interpret properly.
According to you, your girl's prospective job is a "nice opportunity." Now
there's your biggest mistake -- you not only went along with the idea, you pushed it. If
Reva was shooting a bazooka at you, you're the kind of guy who would hand her more ammo!
(Your kindly intentions to keep the relationship going no matter what is, of course, based
on the assumption that Reva's Interest Level is at least 51%. Because if it's 49% or less,
you're on the wrong road, Bruce Lee!)
Next, you tell me that Reva was "intimate" once with this fellow in Baltimore,
but you "can't make an issue of it." While you shouldn't make an issue of it to
her, you have to ask yourself, if she was intimate with him once, why is she not making
more of an effort to keep away from him? Why is she not sparing you the heartache? Think
about what this is saying to you, Anthony! Duh!
So -- this other guy is going to be Reva's Baltimore cicerone (in Italy that's what they
call a tour guide cum gigolo!)? Notice how she rationalizes her behavior here. She's
telling you in essence that she's got high Interest Level -- in him! Know why she's being
so hard on you? Because of her low Interest Level in you. This guy's the only guy she
knows in Baltimore? I think I'm about to cry! Tell her to tough it out! But my guess is
that it's already too late to win this horse race. When a woman says it's "nearly
impossible" not to see another guy, it means -- as Fast Eddie Love would say -
"The odds are 8 to 2 she's going to see him!"
Again, Anthony, you only got half of the situation right. I keep reminding you Psych
majors: you've got to be a love cop on "Love and Order." You can't afford to
miss the clues that are staring you right in the face! And once you've got them, you have
to learn, like Sherlock Holmes, to interpret correctly. But don't take it personally -
it's an acquired skill.
Now, let's examine your three options. Actually, there are only two. Know why? Reva's not
even thinking of staying in your country with you, pal. She's thinking about Baltimore,
and her new life there -- without you! And when she thinks about it, there's a great, big
smile on her face because of that Interest Level problem I talked about. Regarding the
second option - that she should find another job in the U.S. - well, the odds are better
that she'll get eaten by a bear in one of our national parks. The third option is an
illusion, a pipedream, because of the other guy. What you should have done was added a
fourth: "Reva, raise your Interest Level into the nineties, and we'll take it from
there!" Because unless her Interest Level is in the stratosphere, you're in trouble.
My job is to raise her Interest Level in you, and, more importantly, to keep it there
forever so she never wants to call a divorce lawyer.
Remember guys, if she wants to move away, it's time to play - with some other girls.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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