SHE KEEPS CHATTING ON THE NET WITH HER EX - WHAT DO I DO?
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Hi Doc,
I am a big fan of your column, and I have been doing my best to learn and use "The
System." I would like to ask for your advice on this situation I am going through
with my girlfriend. We have been dating for about six weeks or so, and we seem to be
hitting it off real well. We're pretty serious for a couple in their late twenties who've
only been going out for that long.
My problem is that I am jealous of her e-mail relationship with her ex-fiance. After
breaking up two years ago (she initiated the break up), they recently decided to reconnect
and be friends. They e-mail each other regularly and chat on Instant Messenger. She has
told me about this and assures me that they are just friends and that she has no romantic
feelings for him. She says that they do not see each other or talk on the phone.
I told her that I was a little bothered by it and that I thought it was a little strange.
I asked her, "Don't you think that this could turn into more than just e-mailing
after a while?" However, I didn't want to make too much of a big deal about it for
fear of appearing too insecure and jealous and hence less of a Challenge. She told me that
she knows it's a little strange but that she hasn't known me long enough to stop
"chatting" with him because it bothers me. And I again said that it does bother
me but that it is up to her to decide whether to stop e-mailing him or not.
What do you think Doc? Should I persist and insist that she stop the e-mail relationship,
or should I trust her when she tells me that it is nothing to worry about? I really like
this girl, and I don't want to appear to be too controlling and insecure. But I can't help
thinking that there will be trouble down the line if she and her ex fiance continue to
chat via e-mail. But then, again, if I appear too jealous and insist that she stop, she
could simply tell me she stopped and continue e-mailing him. Know what I mean?
Please help me out. I really don't want to screw this up, and I could really use some
expert advice.
Thank you.
Stan - who's sick of all this chi-chat
Dear Stan,
You're smart not to buy into what your girlfriend says when she tells you that her e-mail
relationship with her ex is no big deal. This kind of situation is like a termite
infestation, if you don't nip it in the bud, you're gonna have BIG trouble later on.
But before we get to outlining a strategy to deal with your problem, I want you to
understand something very important that you're just not getting. Something's rotten in
Denmark. Or as my Uncle Jethro Love would say, "There's a dead cat in the closet, and
all the air freshener in the world ain't gonna make it go away."
What am I referring to? Take an objective look, Stan. Your girlfriend is giving
considerable time and attention to a guy that she REJECTED! Why would she do that? The
answer is that she's addicted to getting all the male attention she can. She doesn't care
that she's stringing along this guy that she once dumped. She doesn't care that her
continual e mailing with this guy bothers YOU. She doesn't care about ANYONE else's
feelings.
She wants what SHE wants, and SCREW everyone else. She's a woman who just can't tolerate
the idea of possibly having to emotionally go it alone, so she keeps potential 'backups'
in her orbit, feeding them just enough to stay hooked. Talk about a lack of integrity!
Stan, what would happen if you tied the knot with this gal and then later wanted to go
bear hunting in the backwoods of Montana for fourteen days with your buddies? How
comfortable would you be leaving her alone? What would a woman like this be doing during
that time while she was left unsupervised? Sitting at home alone reading Nancy Drew
stories? Visiting girlfriends to exchange recipes? Or, …going out to nightclubs, just to
dance of course. Get my drift?
All right. But let's see what we can do. Despite missing a crucial element here, you did
great when you didn't get uptight and throw a Macho Boy tantrum or give your girlfriend
any ultimatums. You calmly and honestly told her that you were bothered by her behavior
and what did she do? She dissed you. To you Psych majors, she did him wrong. Fine. Now
we're going to take a different tack. Or, as my cousin Sal "The Fish" Love would
say, "When they don't want to see your side of things, it's time to play hard
ball."
I don't want you to try to reason with her any further. No need to get into any more
debates. Now your actions are going to speak louder than your words. You won't appear
controlling or insecure if you make your point non-verbally. Here's the plan: I want you
to stop taking your girlfriend out on the weekends. This will be a strategy of withdrawal.
No more weekend dates with her, for now. That includes Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. You're
only going to see her on a Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday or Thursday.
If your girlfriend has any brains at all, she'll put two and two together and realize that
her selfishness has caused you to withdraw. Then we'll find out how high a priority you
really are on her list. If she doesn't change her behavior after this, then she's not
really as "serious" about your relationship as you thought.
Remember, guys, if you're going to go the distance with her, there can't be any boyfriends
in the background.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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