ARE YOU A "NICE GUY?"
Women Don't Lie - Men Don't Listen
Success Coach - Doc Love
Doc,
I'm a single, but dating, man in my late twenties, stationed overseas. Although I'm
occasionally shy, I don't have problems meeting women. The real problem has always been
keeping the ones I want!
It seems that the ones that I could care less about refuse to leave even when dumped, and
the ones I wish would stick around seem to disappear into thin air after a few weeks or
months.
I'm a fairly attractive, educated guy and have a good career going. I have no baggage,
emotional or otherwise, no previous marriages, no children, etc. Women often tell me that
I'm a "nice guy", but I'm beginning to suspect this to be the problem. What
gives Doc?
I've been checking out your articles at AskMen.com, and I like the way you think. You seem
so much more direct than most of these relationship "experts" that speak in
riddles and generalities, and I like that. So here it is. What am I doing wrong? Thanks
for your time and keep up the good work.
Davin-who needs more insight.
Hi Davin
Your suspicion that you have a 'Nice Guy' problem just may be right. So let's cut to the
chase and get clear on exactly what we're talking about here.
"Nice Guy" is a term used by females to describe a male who is thoughtful,
sensitive, attentive and considerate, and is therefore disqualified as a potential mate.
Now besides being told by a woman that you're a Nice Guy (which is the kiss of death), how
can you tell if you have the dreaded disease?
You are suffering from The Nice Guy Syndrome if:
- Your bill at the florist last year was more than your monthly house
payment.
- Women often tell you that "You are such a good listener."
- When you arrive to pick up your date at her place, her cat isn't even
threatened by you.
- You didn't go the concert that you had tickets for because your female
friend needed your help that night, moving her furniture out of her abusive boyfriend's
apartment. (You do things for women that you'd really rather not do, but you pretend that
you do not mind so that they will like you more.)
- You are more comfortable hanging out with women than with men and you
have few male friends.
- Your biggest thrill in the last few months came after you spent an
entire Saturday fixing your foxy neighbor's broken toilet and she said, "You are so
sweet."
- You avoid conflict with your partner at all costs.
- Saying the word "No" to your girlfriend never enters your
mind.
- It is difficult for you to put your own needs first. You think that if
you do that you are being selfish.
- You consider yourself to be more sensitive and evolved than other men.
- The last time you got past second base was three Fourth of Julys ago
at the neighborhood softball game.
- You pride yourself on not being like the other men who have "only
one thing on their minds." (You happen to have the same thing on your mind, but you
hide it from women - and yourself.
- You always ask for a woman's permission before you try to kiss her on
the cheek.
- Your emotional well being is dependent on your girlfriend's happiness.
You are happy ONLY when she is happy.
Davin, check this list closely. If you take a real honest look here, then you'll see
yourself in some of these examples. (Even men who appear very rugged and macho can still
be suffering from The Nice Guy Syndrome.)
But take heart, because now you're beginning to have some understanding as to why you
can't seem to create the kind of romantic relationship that you'd like to have in your
life. How do these conflicts play out for you in real time, Davin? It probably goes
something like this:
There you are. You're horny. You're a bit lonely. It's been a while since you've even had
a date with a woman whom you'd consider to be real long-term relationship material.
Ah, but look. This girl who's a slightly flaky, yet kind of cute in a way, is showing a
whole lot of interest in you, and she's making it VERY easy for you to hook up with her.
"Hmm, it feels nice to be wanted" you say to yourself. So you go for it,
thinking that you won't have to deal with the messy details of dropping her when you tire
of her, until later. And right now you just want some intimacy and affection.
Of course we know what happens next. She falls in love and can't get enough of you. Not
only because she had high Interest Level in you to begin with, but more importantly,
because she instinctively senses that you don't want or need her APPROVAL.
You could care less about impressing her, so she experiences you as strong, independent,
self-sufficient and hence, very desirable. But by this point, your Interest Level has
sunken even lower than it was to begin with, and you now have the unpleasant task of
trying to figure out a way to let her down easy. (As my acupuncturist Dr. Lao would say,
"He who think with his dingy dong instead of his brain, make big mess. Hard to clean
up!"
But when you start dating a woman that you really LIKE, your fear of abandonment and your
need for approval kick in. What you want more than anything is for her to like you, to
like you as much as you like her. What you fear the most is that you may disappoint or
upset her somehow so that she won't want to be with you. So you cater to her whims and you
don't set healthy boundaries. To you Psych majors, he always let's her get her way.
The irony is that all these things that you do to get her to like you and to try to insure
that she won't leave you are actually the very things that make her withdraw from you.
Unfortunately, either out of denial or ignorance, you keep repeating the same behavior
with each new woman that you like.
So what's the way out of this trap? Awareness and insight are the first steps, Davin,
which are what I'm providing you with now.
Next, you must have a fierce determination to do whatever it takes, however uncomfortable,
to clean up your act.
Now you don't need to spend thousands of dollars on therapy to get through this. All the
tools that you need to make the shift from Mr. Nice Guy to Mr. Success are in "The
System." So get serious and start studying and you'll soon begin to notice a real
improvement in your love life. Good luck!
Remember, guys: when you like her a lot, act like you don't.
To send me your love questions or to find out more about The "System," visit me
at http://www.doclove.com or call (800)
404-2644.
Doc Love is a talk show host and entertainment speaker who coaches men in his seminars.
For the past 30 years he has asked thousands of women, "Why do you stay with
one man versus another?"
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